Continued....
Yes...Chuck and I have tried to have a baby of our own for almost 4 years now.
Yes...SO many of you have asked for answers, information.
Yes...I have kept so much of it in.
Yes...I'm sorry.
Letting people in on the hard stuff in your life is SO VERY HARD for me.
Why?
Because my life was pretty much like something out of a storybook until my early 20's.
-Incredible parents(two of them...a mom and a dad) who shared DAILY of their imperfections and mistakes so my sister and I wouldn't repeat them. AND who prayed and were in the Word DAILY for us (I saw).
-A sister who was really close in age, to play with(and fight with too...let's be honest!heehee).
-Great friends.
-An incredible experience as far as school goes.
-Family surrounding me from every side. All four of my grandparents. Aunts and Uncles. Cousins that were more like brothers and a sister to me and my sister.
-Very involved in church.
-A home(no matter it was the smallest of all of my friends!) that my friends loved to come to because of my parents love for others.
-Family vacations that were always special.
-Bible and prayer time as a family every night
-Lots of love, love and more love.
Some of this seems so trivial as I read over my list...but I know that not everyone has what I had and I am SO, very thankful for the above blessings. I do not take them for granted.
I've come to realize where it all started for me...
It wasn't until I married at 21, rather quickly, after meeting someone that I guess I thought fit in with my "perfect" life and who thought I would do the same for him, that I started to experience anything other than my storybook life. It was then that I began to feel the burden to appear perfect and not let anyone know that we had a very imperfect, and sometimes scary, marriage.
I married a preacher.
People can't know all the bad that is going on in a preacher/preacher's wife's life...so I thought.
I now know some very real pastors and wives that I respect and admire because of their ability to share their struggles with others in order to help people and point people to the Healer of broken, imperfect marriages.
Oh, how I wish I had been one of those preacher's wives.
Instead, I was the one who hid all the pain and struggles behind a smile and sweet spirit so no one would suspect. Pretender. Fake. Phony. Scared to be Vulnerable.
I took my inability to be vulnerable so far, that my sister, who knew something was wrong, came over to find me in a bed soaked with tears, slobber and snot. Yes. I just said all that. She led me out of the house, while my husband at the time watched TV. That's how bad I let things get and never once did anyone suspect.
We ended up in counseling with nothing ever really resolved. Sad.
Did I mention it's hard for me to be vulnerable???
Did I mention that I hate to let people in on the hard stuff?
A few years later, God led me to the most wonderful man ever.
All of that to say this...being vulnerable is HARD for me. Chuck and I have been married for almost 5 years and I still struggle with it. My divorce was almost 10 years ago. Hiding the "hard" stuff became a way of life for me in my first marriage. It was how it had to be. It's hard to admit that life is not perfect. It's hard to tell people that we can't have a baby. It's hard to admit it to myself some days, even.
I'm trying to break that cycle. Jesus was REAL. I want to be real. My life is not perfect. It's filled with lots of hurt, sorrow, and "hard" things. Not as hard as some people have it, but we all have burdens that we bear in this life.
This I know for sure...I have learned from the struggles of others and I am thankful for those broken, open, usable people.
Maybe someone can learn from mine.
Vulnerable...Our Infertility Journey
to be continued...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Well said! I have anger/bitterness issues from the nightmare life I lived for so long (and still do in some ways) but...as much as I want to, I can't let it go. Its depression I guess from never having unconditional love from anyone in my life EVER(maybe I'll blog about that one day...writing is a form of therapy).
You are still perfect to me. Even more so now. We love you Misty. Together we will all get through this life.
WOW! I'm in tears reading this! I know how much easier it is to just put on a happy face and not deal with imperfections and I'm so impressed that you just put all that out there. It's the "junk" that makes us who we are and it's such a testimony that God brings us out of it and as a totally different person. So happy you met someone you can truly love and be loved in return :)
We love you so much. Even more that you are allowing is in your heart while you get all your feelings "on paper."
xoxo
Lots of tears....
Misty, I've told you many times what a blessing you are to so many people....it's true, and I am at the top of the list! I know sharing this is beyond difficult for you, but it is just part of the journey..part that many NEVER get past. They suffer in silence and because of it, those around them never benefit from their experience. Looking back, our lives were "perfect" for quite some time...we were truly blessed! As I write that though it sounds like I feel we have been cursed or God stopped blessing our family and that is not true. We have dealt with pretty much everything...divorces, addictions, rebellious living, abuse, infertility, illness, death and all the losses associated with that death....and still, we are blessed! Many of these were brought on by our own sin or the sins of others but in all of these there were the "innocents." But some were just totally out of our control such as your issue with infertility or Miranda's death....there is no shame there, no disgrace....but they are the toughest because we can do nothing! That is where our faith get called into action, and usually where we find ourselves lacking! We all live to some degree behind rose colored glasses...sometimes not even wanting to see ourselves what we live with. This blog will benefit all that it touches....I love you Misty!
Misty,
Yes, I have been skeptical about you baring so much to the internet world. I have mixed emotions about it because I am sick and tired of seeing you hurt. (you know I will say this to your face) Man, when I read your entries today (you know I am sporadic about my email check-age)I re-hashed some bad memories. Your 1st marriage changed us all. We were different then. . . naive. I still have a difficult time with people who really KNOW what happened to you and did NOTHING, cowards. Scared that it might shake up their little world like it did yours and ours. I wish I would have done more, I carry some guilt over that. But, God has gotten us through it and I do feel like I have been able to use it for good. I am proud of you for overcoming that. It's in the past.
I try not to think about the reality of your infertility too much because it makes me sad. If I'm being completely vulnerable, it was NOT in my plans. I'm with Dana, I am utterly helpless. It feels a little like loss of life to me. I know adoption will be wonderful. I KNOW that and I am excited for y'all. I do have faith in miracles and if God works one He'll get the glory. Either way, I am ready for my niece or nephew to hurry up. I LOVE you Misty Dawn! I like what Angela said about getting through this together, that's right.
"DON'T MESS WITH MY SISTER!"
Post a Comment